Life goes on...

There are the days that are fun and you want so desperately to remember them.  Then, you have the polar opposite of those days.  The days that at 10:00 you are wishing it was nap-timeand by 6:00 you wonder if the clock has stopped and it really is time for bed.  This has been one of those weeks.  I love staying at home but it has definitely been a change.  I had the drive to work to think and there were even days I got to come home and everyone was still sleeping.  I had the days to catch up on sleep while Grandma watched the older two (since Kylie had not been born yet).  I was able to take a shower in peace!  Now my days seem to be filled with someone crying, someone yelling and someone saying "no!".  I cannot even remember the last time I showered with the door closed and no kids in there.  I am truly tired.  Connor is again waking up at night scared of something so I get up with him 2 times and Kylie 2 other times to nurse.  Last night I don't even remember him coming in but woke up and he was cuddled up with me.  Chloe then wakes everyone up around 6ish with her crying (still have not figued out why she is crying) which then continues for the next 30+ minutes.  Finally we have breakfast and then try to have playtime.  This is now what I call "fight time" but what my mom reminds me is called sibling rivalry.  Connor wants Chloe to play with him so he tries to get her to stop doing whatever she is doing which makes her mad.  Then she hits, he yells and so on. We move one to Chloe crying at the drop of a hat and Connor throwing a complete fit if he hears the word "no" and poor Kylie does not get held near as much as I would like.  I honestly want to sit down and cry.  I feel so helpless.  The trouble is I know what needs to be fixed but it just seems I can't do it.  I need to get a few things organized in order to be able to get to the toys so we can play without the house being a complete disaster, but when do I find the time alone to do it properly?  I need to cook better meals, but I need time to plan out them and go shopping.  I need to spend less money, but that means I need to make the proper shopping list so that I don't end up having to go to the store every time I forget something.  I so want my kids to have opportunities in life.  According to the "research" that means they need more imaginary play, more stories, less tv and healthy food.  How do I get there?  I try reading the books but they seem to not care, try praying for wisdom but it just seems so far off.   At the moment I blame myself for everything!  I try to take on all of it and refuse to ask for help.  Help always makes me feel guilty.  Everyone else is so busy with their lives and to get them to stop and help me means that they cannot do what they want.  Plus, since I was gone for so long they now deserve a break since I am home full time.  I am trying but feel like I am failing.  So, the question of the night...how do I become ultimate mom?  or at least someone I can be proud to be?  

And for the record, I can be discouraged without giving up.  In no way am I prepared to "throw in the burp cloth".  I want so badly to make life better that when I have a bad week and seems to happen every so often then it becomes discouraging.  But, God is good and will always be there to at least lift me up.  And my still favorite saying "the days are long, but the years are short".  Seems fitting at this stage of my life.....